Where in the World is Alf? (Part IX)

And, a curious 'cartoon' selection (of oldies) from the LaCrosse Tribune (Wisconsin):

Wednesday, March 26, 2003

PS: Reader Andy P. (from a particularly bucolic part of England) sends this picture of an embryonic child.

Thursday, March 27, 2003

Friday, March 28, 2003

From The Daily News (Bangkok) [according to Watcharee this cartoon is a slam at CNN for being one-sided]:

Saturday, March 29, 2003

PS: Reader Miss A. Z. of Calgary sent this local clipping about her sister-in-law's unusual trip. Attached to the article was a crayoned Post-it^TM that read "I hope your fucking athiestic readership burns in hell. Here is the proof that the fire of the Lord awaits them. Ha. Ha. Ha."

Woman Accidentally Sent to Heaven, Brings Back Pictures

CALGARY, AB - "He/she who dies with the most stories wins." If Wanda McTavish follows this philosophy, she may be the winner of all winners. As the vacationing 23-year-old model woke up on Sunday, she found herself not in her hotel room in Calgary, but on the other side of the Pearly Gates.

"I instantly knew where I was, but why I was there, I had no clue. I know I didn't die," she told reporters.

The most likely theory as to why she was mistaken for dead came after she regained consciousness here on Earth. Investigators uncovered a typo in the local obituaries, which had Wanda's name in the place of the recently deceased, Wanda McTavitch.

"God must have an insider who can acquire the obituaries so they know who to snag next. Isn't it obvious?" remarked CSIS agent Richard Staal.

Wanda described her two-day experience as unforgettable and fun. She said the only thing she regrets about the experience is that she didn't take more pictures. In fact, she has brought back the first pictures ever taken in Heaven. "You see, they don't send very many people back to the mortal world, so the security guys didn't think about what I was capable of bringing back. They knew that no one would believe anything I said and they didn't realize I had a camera with me. As for the celebrities from whom I took pictures, they didn't care that I'd get them developed. In fact, they thought it was a great idea."

Wanda spent most of her time in heaven among three of her favourite dead celebrities. Her experiences with them follow in her own words:

Phil Hartman (murdered by wife)
Date of death: 05/28/1998 (Age 49)

Phil was very funny. He joked about how his wife was probably sucking on Satan's fat red cock. He also said the thing he misses most about being alive is playing Barbara Bush and Gene the Anal Retentive Chef/Fisherman/Carpenter on Saturday Night Live.

George Burns (oldness)
Date of death: 03/09/1996 (Age 100)

Anyone who smokes one cigar everyday of their adult life shouldn't live past 50. Well George lived to 100 and then he decided to quit. That's right. He's gone 6 straight years without a smoke but he does like to dabble in some grass once in a while.

John Candy (heart attack)
Date of death: 03/04/1994 (Age 43)

John said he was scheduled for an annual check-up the day after he died of the heart attack. He said, "I knew I had to turn my health around particularly because of the things I feared people would say after my death. Things like, 'I could see that heart attack coming five years ago'. There was no way I would let my death beef up their egos."

The photographs have been confirmed to be authentic and are estimated to be worth over $30 million apiece. She excitedly told us, "I'm going to be rich! Just this morning I got an offer from someone willing to pay $50,000 for the close-up picture of my finger. He said it didn't matter as long as it had a little bit of Heaven in the shot too."

Estimated $50,000 value.

Newspaper publishers around the world are experiencing a dramatic increase in job applications specifically asking for positions in charge of the obituary section. The responsibility to correctly spell the names of those who die has dramatically increased as a result of Wanda's experiences.

Agent Staal believes "it is inevitable that others will attempt this feat, either by faking their own deaths or manipulating the names of those in the obituaries." One can only imagine the outbreak of mass hysteria if it is concluded that the path to the gates of Heaven is through the local newspaper's pages of remembrance.

Sunday, March 30, 2003 *

From "With God On His Side", Garry Wills [New York Times Magazine, March 30, 2003]:

War Prayer
by Mark Twain

"Oh Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire;... help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land. ... We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love."

O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle--be Thou near them! With them--in spirit--we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

Monday, March 31, 2003 (pre-journal)

Monday, March 31, 2003

"Disgusting! Those two girls could be my granddaughters ... in fact, they might be! That makes it doubly disgusting! The Lord will rip your fucking balls off for this."