Where in the World is Alf? (Part X)

Following Part IX

April 1-7, 2003

Held over from March, by popular demand:


Tuesday, April 1, 2003 (a day for screwing with minds)

Who is this niece ... rather, who is her uncle (Hey, her father is famous, too)?


Who was this kid ... and who is he now ... and why is smiling?


Who(m) did she talk to?


Why is he dead; and what actor...who 'played' him...looked pretty much like him? [no cheating: don't squint at the man's rap board]


Why was he arrested?


What did this guy eat?


What did this man steal? OK, I'll give you the answer to this one.*


* Meet Melvin G. Hanks. He's got a thing for ponytails. Especially the kind meant for sick kids. Hanks, 54, was arrested February 14 and charged with stealing 93 ponytails (and enough loose hair to make about 60 more). How does one actually steal 93 ponytails? Well, according to Belleville, Illinois cops, Hanks called up local salons and falsely claimed to represent Locks of Love, a Florida-based charity that uses donated hair to "create the highest quality hair prosthetics" for children who "have lost their hair due to a medical condition." Police found the purloined ponytails stashed in Hanks's bedroom closet (he shares a crib with his 80-year-old father). One salon employee told police that Hanks, now jailed in lieu of $10,000 bail, checked in "weekly to see if they have any hair."


Wednesday, April 2, 2003

From the New York Times:

DEORE
by Bill DeOre


COMMERCIAL BREAK


From "The Practical Mourner":
Talking Tombstone

The ultimate stocking chiller! This State-side (oh, really?) invention features a standard stone memorial with the bizarre addition of a built-in speaker. A recorded announcement is triggered by an invisible beam, so that every time a visitor comes near the grave a metallic voice declares from the headstone ...

"Hi! I was Jane Smith. I died at 10.15am, Thursday, November 25th 1994. Thanks for coming to see me. Have a nice day."

Shown above is the version with added video, which displays pages of text, photographs, family trees and all the other things you'd just love to browse through while sitting on your loved-one's grave. The price for this tasteful granite-and-bronze memorial? Just $4995.00 (batteries included).


From "Pets Forever":
Pet Urn

When Spot barks his last, and it's time for him to go to that great heavenly kennel where angels cry "walkies!" for evermore, don't you think that he deserves a fitting memorial here on earth? And what better memorial could there be for the dear departed doggie than the Delano Pet Urn, made from solid North American black walnut, with a brass plaque, 36 cubic inch capacity and optional photo frame? Bradford Clocks of Weatherly, Pennsylvania, normally make grandfather clocks, but they've now turned their hand to pet urns, with a whole range of tasteful wooden memorials to sit on the piano or by the side of your bed ... just like Spot used to do, in fact. Thanks to them, a better class of doggie funeral can now be yours - for only $41.50.


From "God's Cozy Corner":
Flag of Faith

'Behold, I stand at the door and ... whack!' Yes, it's GOODBYE to Holman Hunt's subtle Christ – tiptoeing through the fairy glen, clutching a warm, glowing light, to tap sensitively on the door of your conscience. And it's HELLO First Church of Christ Incredible Hulk – stormtrooping his way through the chipboard to rip aorta from artery, ventricle from auricle. In love. There is, of course, a second part to Revelation 3:20: 'If anyone hears my voice and opens the door ...' Too late, pal. There's no door left to open. This car flag is available from those good folk at the Rapture Ready website in durable satin nylon and priced $11.95.


From "Cards R Us":
Sacred Heart Auto League Card

Here's another smart card for the sacred wallet, though we're still trying to figure out exactly what is happening in this dramatic roadside scene. Opinions here are divided, but we're going for a road-hogging Rubber Duck, blowing his horn, shouting obscenities, bearing down on an innocent, law-abiding, Methodist family man in the medium range blue saloon. Suddenly, up pops a truly massive Messiah, stretches out his hands, looks him straight in the eye and says: 'Travelling at that kind of speed, son, you need to be at least this much further away from the car in front.' But what happens next? What is the reaction of the rubbernecking driver of the yellow set of wheels? Are there other clues we've overlooked?


Back to the New York Times:



Thursday, April 3, 2003

There were (are) some other issues:

From the New York Times:






BULLETIN

LANGLEY, VA—The CIA announced Monday that it suspects Saddam Hussein's latest televised address was pre-recorded, pointing to its suspiciously dated reference to Nelly's "Hot In Herre," a rap hit from the summer of 2002.


Above: In a message believed to be pre-taped, Saddam warns the U.S. about rising heat levels in Iraq.

"For the enemy invaders of Iraq, it soon will get truly hot in here," Hussein said in the speech, which was televised worldwide Monday. "No amount of clothing removal will be sufficient to withstand the fiery inferno that awaits them on the battlefield."

Many U.S. officials have speculated that Saddam may have been killed or injured in the initial March 19 air attacks on Baghdad, suggesting that his subsequent televised speeches were recorded weeks or even months ago.

"The 'hot in here' line has definitely raised some eyebrows," CIA director George Tenet said. "However, this may not prove anything: Even though that song is nine months old, you still hear people referencing its chorus all the time. It's even in the new Chris Rock movie."

Despite the inconclusive nature of the Nelly reference, CIA analysts have found a number of other clues suggesting that the speech was not broadcast live.

"About three minutes into the speech, a man briefly walks across the screen with what appears to be a copy of Entertainment Weekly," Tenet said. "He opens the magazine and, for a split second, it's possible to faintly make out a full-page ad promoting the debut episode of The Rerun Show."

In addition to the visual evidence, Tenet cited certain tellingly dated passages from the speech.

"In one section, Saddam vowed that he would crush Bush 'like Kelly Clarkson crushing the inferior Nikki McKibbin,'" Tenet said. He then went on to praise his elite Republican Guard, saying that they 'will leave the Americans as bewildered as Ozzy Osbourne trying to operate a television remote control.'

The Saddam speech, CIA analysts noted, seems intentionally vague, conspicuously lacking in any specific details about the current conflict.

"Victory will soon be ours," a defiant Hussein said. "Unlike the [Major League Baseball] All-Star Game, this will not end in a tie."


Friday, April 4, 2003

From the New York Times:

DANZIGER
by Jeff Danziger


DEORE
by Bill DeOre




From "Brother Harry's Fundraising Tips for Christians":


Saturday, April 5, 2003 (pre-journal)

Scenes from Norwegian web cams:


Brønnøysund sett fra Brønnøysunds Avis.

Utsikt mot skianlegget på Trysilfjellet.

Fra kommunehuset, utsikt nordover.

Fra Svea Nord.

Fauske.

Karmsundet.

Svolvær lufthavn, Helle.

Utsikt over Molde fra Varden.


Saturday, April 5, 2003

Just this morning THOCBDC initiated what it thought would be a long and thorough glorification (... nay, a near deification!) of one of the greatest contributions in the history the Internet: the near total 'coverage' of the small but proud country of Norway by hundreds of local web cams. THOCBDC's presentation had barely scratched the surface ... a skin tingling shot of the Trondheim cod oil refinery ... stirring vignettes of Bergen parking lots lightly bathed in the spring sun ... a Kristiansand ice covered fuel assembly station ... and several other things that Norwegians find interesting.

But, all this must come to a premature end...for patriotic reasons, of course. Fellow Patpong Corkscrew Club* member, Don Bull, picked this news bit up from the wire services:

The Bush administration announced today it will seek congressional approval and United Nations backing for a pre-emptive attack on Norway. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told reporters the CIA has learned that Norway has been stockpiling a weapon of mass destruction, a mysterious substance called "lutefisk."

"As we understand it, Norway has been preparing this material in barrels filled with lye and storing it in stockpiles throughout the country both in urban and rural settings," said Condoleeza "Wild" Rice, national security adviser.

Secretary of State Colin Powell said President Bush will address the United Nations next week, laying down conditions that must be met by the Scandinavian country to avoid a pre-emptive attack, possibly before the Christmas holidays. "This is simply an extension of the Bush Doctrine, in which it is the policy of the U.S. to identify threats around the globe and get them before they get us," Powell said.

Lutefisk is a substance virtually unheard of in Washington and on the Eastern Seaboard, but is said to be common in certain parts of the Midwest. The FBI branch office in Minneapolis has been alerted to watch for signs of lutefisk production in that region.

In Oslo, Norwegian Foreign Minister Trigve Trondheim was defiant upon hearing of the threatened attack by the United States unless Norway agrees to allow U.N. inspectors free reign throughout the country. "There is certainly no need to allow inspectors into King Harald's palace or country estates," Trondheim asserted. "Why would we hide lutefisk there?" he asked, shifting his eyes. Experts on the substance disagree on its volatility but most admit it can have widespread deleterious effects on entire populations exposed to it.

The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta acknowledged it is "playing catch-up ball" where lutefisk is concerned, but CDC director Dr. Ralph Macabre warned that any substance stored in lye should be regarded as extremely dangerous.

In a brief statement yesterday in the White House Rose Garden, President George W. Bush asserted that the United States will never stand idly by when substances of potential mass destruction are being produced anywhere. "These evildoers are bent on infecting the entire U.S. population with this dangerous substance," the president said. "Unless United Nations inspectors are allowed to determine the extent of lutefisk production in Norway, it is my duty as commander-in-chief of the armed forces to send our brave servicemen and women to Norway to root out sources of lutefisk and destroy them." Bush said any attack must take place before the Christmas holiday season "when the threat is greatest."

U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, when asked about the peril, said, "Where is Norway?" Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle of South Dakota noted he is from a part of the country where lutefisk infestations have broken out in the past, often in December. "We've got to act fast," Daschle told reporters, "or millions of Americans could suffer." Meanwhile, the government was preparing to upgrade its fruitcake warning to code orange.

So, in lieu of offerings from Norwegian web cams THOCBDC will fill this gap with pictures of girl's volleyball from the beaches of Fort Lauderdale ... during SPRING BREAK. And, unless Norway caves in right away ... well, tomorrow we'll have to continue with more shots of barely bikini'd wenches playing volleyball on Florida beaches.

Beach Volleyball


* Those of you, dear readers, who are not familiar with the workings and values of the Patpong Corkscrew Club please click HERE.


Sunday, April 6, 2003 (pre-journal)

Apparently Don Bull was pulling our leg. Norway is NOT our enemy. Lutefisk (or, however you spell/pronounce it) is not a weapon of mass destruction ... it is just a foul food.

Therefore, THOCBDC can return to our coverage of Norway via Norway's 'sea' of Big Brother web cams.


Geilo lufthavn Dagali.

Hønefoss sentrum.

Oslo: Karl Johans gate sett fra Egertorget.

Gol - Storefjell Høyfjellshotell.

Flåm.


Sunday, April 6, 2003

Reader J. "Billy-Bob" R. of Thalmus, Arkansas writes:

"Hey, give us more beach poon-tang ... fuck the cold dark snowy stuff!"

By popular demand:

Beach Volleyball II


Monday, April 7, 2003

Volley ball is over! Now the real girls come out to face the sun.

Next: Part XI

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