Where in the World is Alf? (Part XII)

Following Part XI

April 14-20, 2003

Monday, April 14, 2003

Reader Minton Pelt from Tunbridge Wells (England) writes:

"Just when I was settling in to a good read with your nudies you changed things and threw a bunch of plain-as-ditches gaol girls at us. Them types don't ever get any sun ... stuck behind bars and all that; how about some tanned skin ... can we go back to the beach?"

Just for you, Minton:

Beach Bunnies

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

THOCBDC is not in the habit of competing with The World Weekly News ... BUT, ... these incredible photographs (that we have just received, circuitously, from Israeli intelligence sources) are just too good to put on-hold until we can verify their authenticity. They purport to show the Columbia breaking up.


Wednesday, April 16, 2003

From the New York Times:

by Bill DeOre

by Ben Sargent

Finally, from The Nation (Bangkok):

Thursday, April 17, 2003 (pre-journal)

As usual, THOCBDC takes its responsibilities frivolously: so, we have provided James with all the information necessary for him to make his impact-statement. Since this whole thing 'smacks' of something akin to a 60's college prank (are 'panty-raids' still vogueish?), we expect nothing much to come of it.

Subj: nitro
Date: 4/16/2003 11:31:03 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: xxxxxx@yahoo.com
To: Alf@corkscrew-balloon.com

I saw your website with brewing nitro glycerin, and
was wandering if I could obtain the formula from you,
of if you knew where I might be able to find a book on
this subject. I am a sr in college and doing research
on this, and would appreciate any help.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

Earlier this morning I left you with a message from James. He wanted to know how to make nitro glycerin.

I replied:

It depends on how large an explosion you want to create ... just a toilet in the girl's locker room or the whole gym?

This afternoon James pressed on with his needs ... my reply was purposely glancing:

Subj: Re: nitro  
Date: 4/17/2003 1:52:22 PM Eastern Daylight Time 
From: xxxxxx@yahoo.com 
To: Corkscrew@aol.com

Well being a man of the character I am, I want
quantity, but do not want to loose the quality. I am
looking for large scale nitro, if you would point me
in the right direction, I would appreciate it.


When preparing large quantities of nitro (e.g., 50 metric ton batches) the amount of cooling that is required makes the entire task quite formidable. Keeping the mixture at a noncombustible temperature demands something ... equipment wise ... equivalent to a MAN-3400 Nitro-Frigitator or an Austin-Axel Ni-Kooler. Either piece of machinery alone will run you about $175,000. Trying to mix it on the cheap ... say, using dry ice and brine ... is very dangerous: there is a 1 in 3 chance that the whole thing will go "KABLOOM" ... if so ... well, your 50 tons of nitro will be gone, as well as everything within a city block.

Friday (the "Good" one), April 18, 2003

Local Bangkok girl makes good in a Nivea bath soap commercial. Yes, filmed in downtown Bangkok ... near a bus stop:

Naked local girl

Saturday, April 19, 2003 (Pre- and perhaps the only ... well, we'll see)

We've all grown to be fascinated by him ... here are some of his best loved words (culled ... err, 'stolen' ... from a web site that did all the work):

Muhammed Saeed al-Sahhaf
Iraqi Minister of Information

"There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!"

"My feelings—as usual—we will slaughter them all"

"Our initial assessment is that they will all die"

"I blame Al-Jazeera— they are marketing for the Americans!"

"God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis."

"We have destroyed 2 tanks, fighter planes, 2 helicopters and their shovels. We have driven them back."

"They're coming to surrender or be burned in their tanks."

"No I am not scared and neither should you be!"

"The authority of the civil defense issued a warning to the civilian population not to pick up any of those pencils because they are booby traps," he said, adding that the British and American forces were "immoral mercenaries" and "war criminals" for such behavior.

"I am not talking about the American people and the British people," he said. "I am talking about those mercenaries. They have started throwing those pencils, but they are not pencils, they are booby traps to kill the children."

"We have them surrounded in their tanks."

"The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!"

"...because we will behead you all."

"Let the American infidels bask in their illusion."

"I triple guarantee you, there are no American soldiers in Baghdad."

Britain "is not worth an old shoe"

"We have given them a sour taste."

Of US troops: "They are most welcome. We will butcher them."

"We will welcome them with bullets and shoes."

"We are in control. They are in a state of hysteria. Losers, they think that by killing civilians and trying to distort the feelings of the people they will win. I think they will not win, those bastards."

"We have placed them in a quagmire from which they can never emerge except dead."

"Washington has thrown their soldiers on the fire."

"I speak better English than this villain Bush."

"These cowards have no morals. They have no shame about lying."

"They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion... they are trying to sell to the others an illusion."

"Their failure in this regard is abysmal. They want to tell the world changes thought - as a matter of fact, they do not respect the world, they want to tell taxpayers and the domestic public to keep them deceived sentence incomplete as heard. We will embroil them, confuse them and keep them in the quagmire. They have begun to tell more lies so that they might continue with the perpetration of their crimes. May they be accursed."

"We will kill them all... most of them."

"They are like a snake and we are going to cut it in pieces."

"They do not even have control over themselves! Do not believe them!"

"They are nowhere near the airport... they are lost in the desert... they can not read a compass... they are retarded."

"Faltering forces of infidels cannot just enter a country of 26 million people and lay besiege to them! They are the ones who will find themselves under siege. Therefore, in reality whatever this miserable Rumsfeld has been saying, he was talking about his own forces. Now even the American command is under siege."

"They tried to bring a small number of tanks and personnel carriers in through al-Durah but they were surrounded and most of their infidels had their throats cut."

"Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly."

"We made them drink poison last night and Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly."

"On this occasion, I am not going to mention the number of the infidels who were killed and the number of destroyed vehicles. The operation continues"

"We're giving them a real lesson today. Heavy doesn't accurately describe the level of casualties we have inflicted."

"I can say, and I am responsible for what I am saying, that they have started to commit suicide under the walls of Baghdad. We will encourage them to commit more suicides quickly."

"Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected."

"No!" snapped Mr al-Sahaf, "We have retaken the airport. There are NO Americans there. I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!"

"We defeated them yesterday. God willing, I will provide you with more information. I swear by God, I swear by God, those who are staying in Washington and London have thrown these mercenaries in a crematorium."

"Please, please! The Americans are relying on what I called yesterday a desperate and stupid method."

"They will be burnt. We are going to tackle them."

"We blocked them inside the city. Their rear is blocked."

"...desperate Americans."

"Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport. The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed."

"We went into the airport and crushed them, we cleaned the whole place out, they were slaughtered."

"Yes, the american troops have advanced further. This will only make it easier for us to defeat them."

"Their casualties and bodies are many."

[On surrenders] "Those are not Iraqi soldiers at all. Where did they bring them from?"

"Just look carefully, I only want you to look carefully. Do not repeat the lies of liars. Do not become like them. Once again, I blame al-Jazeera before it ascertains what takes place. Please, make sure of what you say and do not play such a role."

"Search for the truth. I tell you things and I always ask you to verify what I say. I told you yesterday that there was an attack and a retreat at Saddam's airport."

"You can go and visit those places. Nothing there, nothing at all. There are Iraqi checkpoints. Everything is okay."

"This boa, the American columns, are being besieged between Basra and other towns north, west, south and west of Basra. Now even the American command is under siege. We are hitting it from the north, east, south and west. We chase them here and they chase us there."

"By God, I think this is rather very unlikely. This is merely a prattle. The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad's gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them. Wherever they go they will find themselves encircled."

"Listen, this explosion does not frighten us any langer. The cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river. I mean here that over the past two days we managed to shoot down 196 missiles before they hit their target."

"Blair is accusing us of executing British soldiers. We want to tell him that we have not executed anybody. They are either killed in battle, most of them get killed because they are cowards anyway, the rest they just get captured."

"They fled. The American louts fled. Indeed, concerning the fighting waged by the heroes of the Arab Socialist Baath Party yesterday, one amazing thing really is the cowardice of the American soldiers. we had not anticipated this."

"...the louts of colonialism."

"The forces of American colonialism began to drop containers that produce a sound explosion, a very huge sound. I remind you that they said that their strategy is based on shock and awe. Those failed ones manufactured a type of container that has an explosive substance, which they drop. They cause a very huge explosion in terms of sound, as if the universe was shaken. After a while, you go out and you don't find anything. You find some nails, screws, pieces of metal, but the important thing here is the sound. Those failed ones think that through the huge sound explosion, people would be shocked and consequently would collapse and be defeated. What happened? The contrary. The fighters, the masses, and the heroic sons of the Iraqi tribes discovered this game. They will turn it against the American louts so as to shock them. Wait for surprises, God willing, to see how the US game will fail."

"The shock has backfired on them. They are shocked because of what they have seen. No one received them with roses. They were received with bombs, shoes and bullets. Now, the game has been exposed. Awe will backfire on them. This is the boa snake. We will extend it further and cut it the appropriate way."

"It has been rumored that we have fired scud missiles into Kuwait. I am here now to tell you, we do not have any scud missiles and I don't know why they were fired into Kuwait."

"As for the mercenaries who advanced to the perimeters of Saddam International Airport, I would like to remind you of something. I will mention something that will make the picture clear for you and help you to understand what took place at Saddam International Airport. Most of you probably saw the American movie Wag the Dog. I hope you remember it. Some of their acts that took place at dawn yesterday and today are similar to what happened in Wag the Dog. If we succeed in keeping them isolated on that island, and we are determined to do so, we might let them taste a second mini Dien Bien Phu tonight. The European journalists remember it well. Our estimates are that none of them will come out alive unless they surrender to us quickly. They are completely surrounded now. This morning, the number of armoured personnel carriers that were destroyed, along with their occupants, is eight. The number of the tanks destroyed is eleven."

"Tonight, we will do something unconventional against them. This means: not by the military. We will do something that I believe will become a pretty example for those mercenaries. I would not be giving out a secret when I say that action in the dark against such mercenaries is effective, not through the action of armies. I say that dropping down those mercenaries in a surprise fashion at Saddam Airport without accurate calculations is largely meant for showing things. It's a showy operation. It is a kind of surprise muscle flexing to the world to show it that the shock and awe operation is indeed successful. May they be accursed. Through this operation [shock and awe], they sent a number of their villains and mercenaries to be butchered. Again, and according to my early estimates, unless the remaining part of their soldiers surrender, the chance for their survival is very slim. The surprising thing is that after they threw their soldiers into a place where they are not aware of the real results, the villainous Americans, like Powell and the others, sat in Europe to discuss how to divide Iraq as spoils after the war [laughing]. This means what's post-war. The post-war [Iraq] will be the same current Iraq under the leadership of President Saddam Husayn."

"We will pursue them as war criminals. We will work with all the free people in the world, and they are many, who want someone to bell the cat [i.e.; to do a daring deed], and now we are belling the cat, according to the famous [Arabic] saying so as to rid the UN of those villains. After Iraq aborts the invasion that is being carried out by the American and British villains, the USA will no longer be a superpower. Its deterioration will be rapid. I say to those villains who are meeting in Europe, thinking of launching psychological war and brainwashing: wait. Do not be hasty because your disappointment will be huge. You will reap nothing from this aggressive war, which you launched on Iraq, except for disgrace and defeat. Iraq will continue to exist. Its civilization is 10,000 years old. It will not be changed by villains like the US and British villains."

"Bush—this man is a war criminal, and we will see that he is brought to trial."

"I think the British nation has never been faced with a tragedy like this fellow [Blair]."

"The United Nations...[is] a place for prostitution under the feet of Americans."

"They are sick in their minds. They say they brought 65 tanks into center of city. I say to you this talk is not true. This is part of their sick mind."

"We have destroyed 50 tanks today. That 5-oh tanks." [Said while holding up his fingers.]

"They are superpower of villains. They are superpower of Al Capone."

"Americans are 'wild donkeys.'" [Alog in Arabic.]

"There are no Iraqis disguising themselves."

"I can assure you that those villains will recognize, will discover in appropriate time in the future how stupid they are and how they are pretending things which have never taken place."

"Iraqi fighters in Umm Qasr are giving the hordes of American and Brtish mercenaries the taste of definite death. We have drawn them into a quagmire and they will never get out of it."

"What they say about a breakthrough [in Najaf] is completely an illusion. They are sending their warplanes to fly very low in order to have vibrations on these sacred places. They are trying to crack the buildings by flying low over them."

"We have crushed the whole force which dared to venture there. Now they're outside the wall and the heroic Republican Guard is now in control of the whole area. So where are those villainous louts, those mercenaries?"

"Their forces committed suicide by the hundreds. The battle is very fierce and God made us victorious. The fighting continues."

"Yesterday, we slaughtered them and we will continue to slaughter them."

"They think we are retarded—they are retarded."

"We're going to drag the drunken junkie nose of Bush through Iraq's desert, him and his follower dog Blair. There are 26 million Saddams in Iraq."

"We will push those crooks, those mercenaries back into the swamp."

"When we were making the law, when we were writing the literature and the mathematics the grandfathers of Blair and little Bush were scratching around in caves."

"They will come and we will slap them about the head and then kick them on their backsides when they leave."

About Bush: "...the leader of the international criminal gang of bastards."

"...the insane little dwarf Bush."

About Bush and Rumsfeld: "Those only deserve to be hit with shoes."

"Whenever we attack, they retreat. When we pound them with missiles and heavy artillery, they retreat even deeper. But when we stopped pounding, they pushed to the airport for propaganda purposes."

Any apparent American gains, he said, were a cunning ploy by the Iraqis to lure the enemy into a trap. "Our armed forces, according to their tactics, are leaving the way open."

"The capital, especially the commandos, are getting ready to wipe them out."

"We are surrounding them and pounding them. The whole trend has changed and we are going to finalize this very soon."

PS to the Pre-

NEW YORK (Reuters) -- People who joined the cult-like following of Iraq's wartime spokesman Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf can now buy a talking doll and hear him say things like "our initial assessment is that they will all die" as often as they want.

The Connecticut company Herobuilders.com built the doll and also sells others that make fun of Iraq war allies President Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

The company made the "Iraqi Dis-information Minister Action Figure Doll"

The "Iraqi Dis-Information Minister Action Figure Doll" is flanked by the "President G.W." doll.
of the former Iraq Information Minister al-Sahaf, who disappeared from Baghdad after the invasion of U.S. troops whose presence he had bizarrely denied.

TV viewers around the world took a liking to his often colorful statements that became the butt of television talk show jokes in the United States.

A Web site, We Love The Iraqi Information Minister, drew 4,000 hits a second after its launch a week ago.

The doll says, "There are no Americans infidels in Baghdad, never. Our initial assessment is that they will all die. I am not scared and neither should you be. They're not even within 100 miles of Baghdad."

Herobuilders.com owner Emil Vicale said he wanted to take advantage of the craze and built the doll of al-Sahaf dressed in trademark army fatigues and black beret to be sold for $35.95.

"We were able to obtain a digital copy of his voice, his sound bites," Vicale said. "We were able to digitize that and impregnate that on a voice chip."

Other dolls sold by the same company include "Saddam Insane," "President G.W.," "Butcher of Baghdad," "British Ally," and "Osama in Drag" -- al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden in a pink dress.

Saturday, April 19, 2003 (PPS)

This afternoon, over in the Backroom, the normal everyday non-directed acrimonious and vitriolic chatter all of a sudden drifted very 'personal': I called someone's e-mail program "as something needing a glue pot" [not really, but it was something like that]. In order to forestall a counterattack I here admit my own love affair with the past: my first two machines.

Introduced: July 1980
CPU: Zilog Z-80, 2.03 MHz
RAM: 48K
Ports: Tape (500 or 1500 bauds), Parallel & RS232
Display: 12" B/W monitor built-in: 16 X 64 text
Storage: Two internal 178K floppy drives, External hard drive
Operating System: TRS-DOS.

First Released: 1985
Model 100 & 102 CPU: 8 bit 80C85 CMOS

Easter Sunday: the 20th of April, 2003 (Pre- ???)

Easter, being a movable feast day, very rarely falls on the same day. Apparently the day that Christians celebrate ... (the miraculous lifting of Our Lord from the cave to the sky) or, (His walking away, shaking His head and muttering something about not being dead, just really hurt) or, (the theft of his body by grave robbers) ... is not fixed in marble. Rather, when it falls depends upon the tides or the moon.

Hitler's birthday is fixed.

Very rarely do the two overlap...but when they do [about twice a century] it allows for an unusual Sunday. Having left my copy of NEWNES back at our Bangkok apartment, it was up to my good friend Don Bull to remind me of this strange 'marriage' of days. What immediately follows belongs to Don:

Birthday Boy
Braunau am Inn, Austria - On this date in 1889, Adolf Hitler was born.

Adolf's father, Alois, was born in 1837. Alois was the illegitimate son of Maria Anna Schicklgruber and her unknown mate. Maria Schicklgruber was said to have been employed as a cook in the household of a wealthy Jewish family named Frankenberger. Some speculate that Frankenburger's 19 year old son got Maria pregnant. If that is true, Adolf Hitler's grandfather was Jewish.

Maria's son was given her last name, Schicklgruber. In 1876 he change his name to Alois Hitler. If he had not, can't you just imagine thousands of Germans shouting "Heil Schicklgruber!" instead of "Heil Hitler!"?

On April 30, 1945 Adolf committed suicide in his Berlin bunker. He never knew who his grandfather was.

Don does not directly raise the issue; but implicit in Bull's choice of this photograph is the question: 'did Hitler collect corkscrews?' We are told that Hitler did not drink alcoholic beverages (further confusing the strange 'tie' between the Man who made wine and the man who shunned it)...but, was Hitler just sufficiently tolerant of wine that he allowed a bottle to share his supper table OR was it a 'prop' to showcase his love for the 'little engines' that pull the cork? We may never know.

Sunday, April 20, 2003 (Post-Pre Easter)

Goring too?

But, of course, now the question is 'did Goring have a genuine interest in corkscrews or was he just a sycophant ... a fawning pawn?' Though Goring did not share his master's aversion to alcohol, we do not have enough stuff at hand to say that the former leader of the German air force had what it takes to join the ICCA.

Next: Part XIII

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