Reported from Bangkok, April 3, 2004
"Satan's Little Cotton Fingers!"
Landover Ladies Vow to "Stop Satan From Pulling The Strings!"
Ladies of Landover member Mrs. Taffy Davenport-Gaines Crockett, visiting the Landover Christian Pharmacy recently to refill the church tract display, happened upon a shocking sight. A young woman was visibly upset and arguing loudly with pharmacist Emma Mae Martin. What Mrs. Crockett discovered next sickened her unto the point of nausea.
"The young woman was trying to buy tampons," Mrs. Crockett said, barely able to hold back tears. "I snatched that girl by the hair and pulled her outside ... there were children present! Can you imagine how they'd be damaged by hearing such evil ideas?"
"I explained to this young lady that we do not carry such phallic devices as tampons and when attending to her monthly curse," Mrs. Martin said, adding that "Satan himself controls the manufacturing of those things." The young woman then began to verbally abuse her, she said.
"A Godly woman is only to use a Maxi-Pad," Mrs. Crockett stated. "Why, they even have them with little angel wings now! I handed her a box and told her unless she wanted my handprint across her face she was never to utter that evil T word again!" The as yet unidentified woman then fled the store in humiliation. Landover Security sketch artists are preparing a likeness to aid in identifying the young woman. Her salvation status is unknown, but based on this event, it is likely she is Hellbound.
"Toxic Shock Syndrome is God's way of punishing unsaved harlots who choose Satanís cotton fingers over a Godly pad," Pastor Deacon Fred stated upon hearing of the event. "These playthings of Satan are created under the guise of a ladies hygiene product to bring unsuspecting women and young girls to the fold of the Devil."
Church members are commanded to talk to your teen-age daughters, and search their rooms if you have to. "Souls are at stake and God is taking names," added Pastor Wiley.
Mrs. Crockett has organized the Ladies of Landover Phone Bank to spread the word, and has called for both a letter writing protest campaign and a boycott on all stores who are found to carry these satanic sexual devices. Manufacturers who create such vile products will also be targeted for salvation, or, failing that, closure.
Mrs. Crockett has secured six 24-foot trucks for use in her new ministry, "Stop Satan From Pulling The Strings." She and the other Ladies of Landover plan a nationwide tour, going city to city, pulling what she calls "The Devil's delight" from store shelves once clerks are distracted. Upon the ladies' return, Mrs. Crockett plans a large bonfire.
"We shall pray over the flames as we watch these evil devices go back to the fiery pits of hell from whence they came," Mrs. Crockett said during her church news conference, adding, "these things are created by Satan for pleasure, and young women are succumbing to the Devil without even realizing it. This is one battle Satan will NOT win!" Her statements drew a standing ovation from the congregation.
All church members are encouraged to join in the BBQ and bring a covered dish as we celebrate yet another Victory over Satan. Marshmallows for roasting over the bonfire will be provided by The Ladies of Landover. Due to the nature of this event, the roasting of hot dogs will be prohibited for obvious reasons.