Reported from Bangkok, April 8, 2004
ATTENTION PARENTS, FINAL NOTICE:
This Easter, If Any Child is Found to Have Handled Easter Eggs, He Will be Dragged by Security to the Parking Lot And May Rejoin His Family Only When the Four-Hour Service is Over. All Little Ones' Hands Will be Thoroughly Inspected for Either Telltale Pastel Dyes or the Distinctive Aroma of Bleach. Urinalysis Will Check for Milk and Semi-Sweet Chocolate.
An Important Message From Pastor Deacon Fred
Parents and friends, last year we had a serious problem with many of your children acting like unsaved trash and then expecting to be welcomed in the Lord's finest house outside of Metropolitan Heaven. It was brought to my attention that a whole passel of unsaved, little secular hooligans thought they could spend Easter morning gorging on Cadbury's marshmallow bunnies, looking for hardboiled eggs dipped in homosexually inspired colors and celebrating other godless Pagan traditions. They thought they could then slip on their new white patent leather shoes that mommy bought them and come skipping into our Bible believing church on Easter Sunday morning.
It never occurred to these sneaky little Pre-K juvenile delinquents that Jesus is going to want to smack the stuffing out of them one of these days for worshiping a rabbit.
Moms and Dads out there, you need to make it clear to your youngsters that just because Jesus doesn't run around giving your brats candy – which most of those waddling toddlers need about as much as they need to be buggered all night by a Catholic Priest – is no excuse to fill Jesus' big, "Look What I Did!" day into a pack of secular Christ-hating shenanigans. I'm putting all your kiddies on notice: if they dare bring one stomach in here with so much as one piece of chocolate on Easter, they are in for a bigger surprise than even Jesus gets when he sees their sinning little mugs have the cheek – yes, cheek – to dare to walk amongst His anointed!
You all know that modernism has crept into almost every single church in this country except for ours. Why, there are families out there in the liberal Presbyterian wife-swapping suburbs of Des Moines that allow their ghetto-music-listening children to grow up thinking Easter is all about a promiscuous little animal – and not a Heavenly zombie that saved mankind by getting fed up of being dead after three days, dusted Himself off, left His smelly grave and hit the road. We put our foot down in 1952 and said NO! to the foolish modern idea of allowing the enemies of the cross - the unsaved - to fellowship with us. It's unbiblical, anti-Christian, and downright dangerous to allow unsaved people into God's house. God doesn't allow it in Heaven, and as it is in Heaven, SO BE IT ON EARTH! Amen! And I am not about to make exceptions just because the sinner in question's little head barely clears my man's business. As we all know, demons are between three and four feet when not flying – and that is why they are so comfortable in the bodies of children.
Under Section 19.344.22(a)(iv) of the Landover Baptist Piety Protocols (2004 Supp.), children found to have handled Easter eggs are deemed the spiritual equivalent of children who have never called the name Jesus. As such, they are legally unsaved – a status that can only be changed by express written permission from Pastor and a majority of all Deacons after a 90-day waiting period (subject to credit approval). Enemies of this church, whether she be a fresh-faced, nubile young girl with ripe bee-stung lips or some old crone with sloppy, sagging lady parts flapping twelve ways from Sunday, are working full time for Satan and not welcome by the Lord. Thank-You.