Reported from Fort Lauderdale, March 27, 2005
Easter Bunny Bludgeoned to Death
Before Cheering Crowd of Christian Children
Satanic Substitutes for Christ
Freehold, Iowa - The Dillard Henderson family were in the middle of a lovely Stouffer's Sunday dinner last week when a sin posse of twenty church Deacons burst into their kitchen armed with shotguns and several dozen gallons of gasoline. There was a great commotion as the Deacons demanded to know where 12-year-old Stewart Henderson was hiding his bunny rabbit, "Mr.Cottonelle Tail."
As new church members, not even officially recognized as "Truly SavedTM," the Henderson family had only settled their lovely Christian estate in Exodus Acres two weeks before they were visited by the church's Salvation Squad. The fact that the Henderson's made their initial down payment for church membership* did not absolve the probationary-Christian family from their responsibility to completely familiarize themselves with church regulations. So when little Stewart Henderson's Sunday school teacher overheard the boy talking to another child about having a bunny rabbit, she immediately took up the cross of Jesus Christ and alerted church authorities. The Deacons on call discussed the matter and raised the religious threat level from dark orange to honeysuckle. They then shattered the glass rifle cases in the church lobby, armed themselves to the teeth, and hopped into the Salvation Glory Bus. They arrived at the Henderson estate in under 10-minutes.
The Hendersons, once they realized that Deacon Tomkins was not holding a Granny Smith apple, but a plump hand grenade, were cooperative and directed the Deacons to a shed in the back yard where they found not just one, but two dozen little furry white bunny rabbits! Deacon Wilkins phoned Pastor Deacon Fred at that point and within one hour Pastor's smaller helicopter landed in the cul-de-sac at the end of Second King's Way. Over one hundred curious Christian neighbors had already gathered there enjoying convivial speculation about the Hendersons' unlikely salvation, as well as fried chicken and prayer. The crowd followed Pastor as he made his way, Bible and church regulation book in hand, to the Henderson family's backyard.
By the time Pastor arrived, the rabbits had already had their lovely pelts ripped from their fornicating bodies with pairs of pliers and been dipped in gasoline. Some bunnies died in the earmuff-fur extraction process; some drowned in the Rubbermaid containers holding the Amoco unleaded; but a few were still hopping about," said Pastor. "No doubt, obsessed with grabbing another piece of moist, furry rabbit crotch, as those licentious creatures are wont to do." Pastor noticed that there was a large white rabbit in the corner who appeared to be unaffected. "Bring me the big one, and set fire to this prayer shed!" yelled Pastor. When Pastor had the large rabbit in his hands, he held it by its extended ears and stared directly into its eyes. "I know you're in there Lucifer ... you can't fool a man of God! Usually you hide in cute little stray pussies, but now you are hiding in this adorable little bunny," Pastor muttered. As the rabbit's left ear gave way, Pastor cleared his throat and spit a wad of bilious phlegm into the rabbit's face. It was of sufficient viscosity that it stuck like a piece of lint to Velcro.
"You dirty old fuzzy demon!" Pastor yelled. He then held the rabbit by its hind legs and swung it against the wall of the now burning shed, thrashing its head repeatedly. After another eight minutes of crazed swirling and imprecatory invective, to ensure that the beast was dead, Pastor tore the right back leg off of the bunny with his teeth and handed it to little Stewart Henderson. "Since you mock Jesus by believing superstitions that aren't Christian, why don't you hang on to this? It's supposed to bring good luck to you people. Until you get to Hell, that is! You rebellious little sissy!"
The neighbors present at the scene then burst into a joyful song of praise and hymns, contributing both buckshot and gasoline. Many were screaming in the delirium of the righteous, "We're clearing the Temple!" as they moved through the Henderson's property. The Henderson family and Deacons joined them in a celebration of songs, scripture reading and praise, right there in the Henderson's backyard until the last embers from the prayer shed and all of its ungodly contents had burnt out. It was also God's Will that the east wing and the prayer-solarium of the Hendersons' 13,450 square-foot middle-class home was taken in a blaze of righteous glory.
While watching the Hendersons' Colonial home serve as kindling to the Lord's displeasure, Pastor took the entire family aside during the celebration to pray, read scriptures and ask just how long it takes for their out-of-state bank to clear a cotton-picking check. He also took the time to familiarize them with the following passages from the Landover Baptist Book of Rules and Regulations:
*The Henderson's initial check for church membership drew suspicion because it was made with a too-colorful, coy secular check that failed to depict Jesus being tortured on a cross. It was drawn from a bank Landover does not normally do business with in accordance with a confidential out-of-court settlement of a credit card fraud matter that Landover Baptist was 100% innocent of -- in spite of the deranged ramblings of demon-stacked grand juries in several states.