 Wednesday,
December 3, 1997
 Finally, no more airplanes, it
appears. Laurie seems to be remarkably contented. She
spent much of the morning soaking in one of those big
bowls of water that she likes to put Ralph in, and this
one had bubbles three feet in the air. I explored her
closet while she did that. She has also been spending a
lot of time sitting on what she calls her
"veranda" drumming that strange rhythm on that
computer. It is truly beautiful out here. It overlooks a
slightly brown river, with hundreds of things called
"boats" going up and down it, a huge swimming
pool, trees with big pointy broad leaves - they are
called "palm trees" and a lush garden full of
purple and white flowers. It’s fairly noisy out
here, but the noises are somehow relaxing. I’m
hearing boat motors, voices coming from
"loudspeakers" saying words that I don’t
understand, and whistles. I can’t tell which are
bird whistles and which are human whistles. But the air
is full of them. It’s also HOT! Lucky I don’t
sweat or I’d be sweating like a pig, as is Laurie.
I’m getting a little confused
about what to call this woman again. First I thought she
was "Mom" and then I thought she was
"Laurie." Now some of the  humans
around here are calling her either "Madame" or
"Ms. Jo-nes." Maybe these humans are not quite
contented with one identity. I don’t know why else
they would be changing their names so often.
There is a man called the
"floor butler" that comes in from time to time
to give Madame flowers and equipment and bananas. He
seems very nice and Madame certainly seems to enjoy his
company. She calls him "Joe."
Madame and I joined the rest of the
women for lunch. I sampled some of the food and it
didn’t thrill me a  whole lot, but it made Madame very happy.
They talked about "shopping" - they had been
doing that all morning and they seemed quite pleased
about it. I wonder if shopping is like hopping. I know
that hopping pleases me.
Tonight they are all talking about
visiting a place called "Patpong Road." I
wonder if I will find any canines there. I’m getting
very bored with this diet. But first we have to wait for
the human they call "Alf" to return from some
mysterious place he disappeared to several hours ago. He
sounds like an interesting fellow. I wonder if he
encounters more four-legged hairy creatures in his
adventures than Madame does. I may have to take a ride on
his head one of these days and find out.
It’s dark now. The river is
much quieter. These strange birds keep whistling and
calling. It's almost an eerie sound. Very piercing but in
a sweet sort of way. The whistles echo up and down the
river. I hear motors everywhere and some sort of Thai
classical music coming from somewhere. The river reflects
the lights of the billboards and shops that line it. The
palm trees of the hotel garden are all lit with
spotlights. I'm looking at a building called "the
Shangi-La hotel. " It's comfortably warm. Our floor
butler just brought Madame some cute little ham sandwich
thingies on caraway seed buns. They were under glass with
purple flowers. I wonder why she doesn’t eat the
flowers.
Well, I certainly learned a bit
more about what makes these humans happy tonight. I must
admit that it is more than incomprehensible to me,
though.
 Everyone met in the lobby of this remarkable
building and piled into two cars and drove to a place
they call “Patpong Road.” It’s not a road
for cars, though. It’s a road absolutely jam-packed
with human flesh. The lights are so bright you would
think it is daytime. The humans walk up and down the road
engaging in that favorite pastime of theirs - shopping.
It seems like they spend an awful lot of time arguing
with the nice people with all the fancy things about how
many of those little paper things to exchange for the
fancy things. But they all seem happy in the end.
Madame and her friend Alf did not
engage in the shopping activities on Patpong, though.
Instead they seemed to prefer the dark noisy rooms full
of beautiful women in underwear. Ralph would LOVE the
dressing rooms of these places. I’ll have to
remember to tell him about it if I ever see him again.
Alf and Madame found a place called “Pussy
Galore.” When I saw the name of this place I got
very excited, thinking that I might find some tasty cats
to visit. But there were no felines to be seen. Only
women in underwear. They were doing some very strange
things with candles. As I said, the human activities in
this place are a little incomprehensible to me. I mean,
candles are supposed to light up the room. But these
candles kept finding their way into some very dark
places. Hmmmm.
Madame seemed very happy in this
place. A friendly young woman named “Oh” rubbed
Madame’s neck for the longest time. I don’t
believe that I have ever seen Madame smile for such a
long time with her eyes closed. She kept saying to Alf
“Give her some money...” Oh really liked
Madame. She liked Madame so much that she kept smearing
red stuff from her lips all over Madame’s face. When
Oh finished attending to Madame’s neck, Madame
proclaimed that her TMJ problem was cured forever. I
don’t know what she meant by that, but I think
Madame should send a letter to the human medical journals
announcing this ingenious technique.
 Eventually Alf and Madame dragged themselves
out of Pussy Galore out into the bright lights and human
confusion of Patpong Road and made their way down to a
place called the “Kangaroo Club.” Here again I
got excited because, although I have never seen a
kangaroo live, I have seen pictures of them on that loud
box in Madame’s living room. They look very furry. I
thought for a moment that I was going to find myself some
dessert from down under. Well, it turns out that that
dessert from down under can be found in the Kangaroo
Club, but it’s not a dessert that a flea can
appreciate.
Alf and Madame appeared to enjoy
the Kangaroo Club immensely. They sat at the bar for a
very long time engaging in intellectual discussions with
two elegant Thai sisters named Nung and Gup. Madame
became quite friendly with a charming young woman named
Melissa. Or rather, Melissa became quite friendly with
Madame. This was a little difficult for me to understand.
Melissa seemed to like Madame a lot. She was very
affectionate with Madame and tried so very hard to show
her affection to Madame. And Madame seemed to like
Melissa, but for some reason she insisted on giving
Melissa huge amounts of that paper stuff the humans use
for shopping just to convince Melissa to take her hands
off of Madame’s jeans. Finally Melissa accepted
Madame’s paper and settled down with her hands on
the bar instead of between Madame’s legs and drank
coffee with Madame. They had a rather stimulating
discussion about the effect of the Asian market crash on
the global economy. Eventually Alf and Madame decided it
was time to go exploring again.
When they went out into the bright
lights and noise, they found their friends, still
shopping. The friends pointed out the red smears all over
Madame’s face, and Madame seemed to be much
appreciative of that. As Madame was wiping her face, she
got distracted by some beautiful dresses and trinkets
that she decided she must have. After engaging in some
arguments with the owners of these things, Madame ended
up with a large bag of goodies. But she looked around and
that Alf fellow was nowhere to be seen. Madame went
hunting. She explored a few of these dark rooms with
women in underwear on her own until she found, at the
very back of one of them, her friend Alf, sitting at the
bar enjoying the scenery. He seemed very surprised to see
Madame, but not disappointed.
Madame and Alf then engaged in a
long conversation about the joys of women versus the joys
of men. Madame convinced Alf that it was time to find a
place full of men in their underwear. So Alf and Madame
ventured to a parallel road called “Patpong II”
where they visited a place called “Screw Boy.”
Now, although Madame had certainly
enjoyed her neck massage and her stimulating intellectual
discussions at the Kangaroo Club, she seemed to be even
more pleased to be in this place. She took a liking to
#26, a muscular handsome young Thai man who wiggled his
pelvis in front of Madame for the longest time.
Unfortunately for Madame, #26 seemed to be more
interested in Alf than he was in Madame. Alf decided it
was time to go exploring again.
Madame suggested, not for the first
or last time this evening, that perhaps it was time to
leave. But in their search for a bathroom, Alf and Madame
wound up in a place called “Patpong III.” This
was perhaps the most confusing place of all. The men
seemed to be women and the women seemed to be men. I
don’t know how humans do that. Or why. But we
didn’t stay long there.
As Alf and Madame tried to make
their way to the car, they ended up visiting several more
places where Madame received more neck rubs, and girls,
no longer even in their underwear, were doing even
stranger things with bowling pins and cigarettes. The
experience was getting a little too surreal for my little
brain to comprehend and Madame seemed to be getting a
little overwhelmed herself.
The desire for some fresh air hit
Alf and Madame and they found themselves sitting at an
open bar where Madame made friends with a tall,
sophisticated young woman named “Fai.” Fai was
very interested in both Alf and Madame. She was a very
friendly young woman who invited Alf and Madame over to
her house for coffee and doughnuts. Alf and Madame
reluctantly declined the invitation, but Fai persisted
and ended up giving them her address and telephone number
and invited them to go up to nothern Thailand the next
day to visit her family. Alf and Madame promised to call
her.
The lights of Patpong Road were
turned off by now. Most of the people had disappeared and
the shopping had ceased. Alf and Madame found their way
to the car and woke the driver who took them back to the
hotel. Tired, but happy, Madame somehow found her way to
her bed, stumbling over the carpet only four or five
times, drank several large bottles of water and lapsed
into unconsciousness halfway on and halfway off of her
bed.
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