Elephant Polo 1999
by Tilman Smith
VI. Quaiche Cup Semi-Final
Editor's note about odds: One should note that the Screwy Tuskers went into this game with a 12, yes 12, point advantage. Up until this game, all the teams had been playing their assigned handicaps, which would have given us 6 points up against the Tuskers. But, today was the first of the Amateur matches, where all handicaps were doubled, thus giving us our 12 point lead. Now, some people could see this as an editorial on the abilities of the Screwy Tuskers, but we chose to see this as a golden opportunity...
We were slated to play the third match of the day, but we came out early to cheer on the Titanic Tracks, who played a soundly competitive game against the British Gurkha, winning 4-2. Next came the Tigresses, who played perhaps one of the most intense games of the tournament against the National Parks team, with both teams playing their hearts out. After witnessing such fine play, we were a bit intimidated to be playing against the Tuskers, even with our phenomenal handicap, and with Kristjan staying true to the nature of the amateur theme and not playing any ringers.
But, everything seemed to be going in our favor. We had our two front players, Annie and Shamane ready to attack, we had Christopher Lavender commentating for us in spite of a prior engagement, and we had the linesmen, stick men, and mahouts providing us with tips and good elephants.
And, with all that, we were still panicked. What would we do if the Tuskers actually did out score us? We'd have to leave and bid adieu to the games forever. As luck would have it, holding Kristjan to 7 goals was only half the battle in this game, for the Screwy Tuskers had more important matters to attend to while on the field. As you know, good grooming has always been essential to the Screwys, and no one player has more personified this notion more than our own Mz. America, Susie Q. Not only did this girl glide her polo stick expertly around the field, Suse effortlessly glided that Chanel #99, Deep Persimmon lip gloss onto her lips during the heat of battle. This was multi-tasking at its best. Yes! Our very own Cover Girl did the greatest country in the world proud.