Screwy Tusker

Elephant Polo 1999

by Tilman Smith

VII. Screwy Tusker Marketing


Official Screwy Tusker Products

(Soon to be found at your local REI store)

The Screwy Tuskers couldn't have been more fortunate to be guided by our very own and very talented, Liz Cohen. It didn't take us long to figure out that Liz, though completely unobtrusive, had her eyes on us all the time. Believe me, any poor soul who thought they could put one over on the Screwys ended up hearing from Liz. We could only figure that fate had brought her to our team, because in her former life (apparently boxed up in Montana now), Liz was a marketing consultant in the Red Apple. Well, who better to help us with our new line of diet foods and cosmetics?


Annie's Famous Screwy Diet:

  • Advil
  • Beer
  • Cigs
  • Popcorn

Screwy Fragrance:

Screwy Lipstick: "Cassone Mocha #2"

Screwy Footwear: Damp and Dusty Camo Shoes

Screwy Bum Wrap: The insiders know this as "Annie's Ass Tuck"

Screwy Coif: Screwy Flat Top (One Screwy Tusker hat needed)

Screwy Hobbies: Elephant Chalk Artwork, Scattagories, Name That Mongolian Folk Song, and Sleeping Elephants

Screwy Slogan: (thanks to our good friend and contest winner, Mark Horne):

"You ladies really are fabulous bitches, aren't you?"


Perhaps Alf will add a shopping network to his page, so you can just click and buy, buy, buy ...

Next: Quaich Cup Final

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